HUMOR     HUMOUR

We do need humor to get away from the depressing awful, abominable deeds being done in the world today.    Over the years, I have heard and thought of some good jokes and humorous stories.    Here are a few:

{ Russian premier } Gorbachev and his chauffeur were riding in the country.  The chauffeur’s auto accidentally ran over a pig.   Gorbachev went to the farmhouse to tell the farmer what had happened to his hog.   Shortly thereafter, Gorbachev ran amongst a hail of brooms, garbage and screams by the farmer.   Down the road, the same incident happened.    Gorbachev went to the farmhouse.   A minute later, Gorbachev ran back amongst another screams, a hail of garbage, nails and miscellaneous refuge back to his chauffeur!
Going down the road, the same incident happened again!  This time, Gorbachev ordered his chauffeur to the farmhouse to tell the owner what had happened.  A half hour went by.   The chauffeur came out with wreaths, ribbons and other goodies and decorations wrapped around him, caviar, piles of food and gifts. Gorbachev said  “look, what happened when you told him?”   The chauffeur said “I told him”.   Gorbachev said: then why the celebration and delirious joy!   WHAT did you say to him?!”.   Chauffeur: “I told him.  Gorbachev is in the car. The pig is dead”.
THAT earned the chauffeur THREE YEARS in the gulag.

Pop has many interests, among them being airplanes, how they run, how to build, watch them, et cetera^.    When I was a kid, he would take me to air shows.   On some, they had parachutists do their stunts.   After Pop explained why the parachutes where the shape they were and their function, I asked Pop:  what if the parachute does not work?     Pop said:    “You get your money back.”    I was too young to know about insurance and the fact that insurance conglomerates spend the over-whelming percentage of their time attempting to get out of paying.    Ark, ark, ark.

There were two young, healthy men who were walking when they observed a very, very old looking man.     One said “that man looks VERY old”.    The other said  “yeah, I wonder how old that man is”.     They said to one another “yes, we had better find out just how old that old man really is”.     

They stopped and chatted with the gaunt, haggard, unshaven man.    They asked him “what is your formula for long life”?      The gaunt, haggard man said “I drink a bottle of the devil’s juice and visit a woman of ill repute every night”.    The two young men:    “What!”       Old man:    “you heard me right.    I drink a bottle of the devil’s juice and find a woman of ill repute every night”.   The two young men:   “Every night?!”      Old man:    “every night.”      The two young men:   “every night?”       Old man:    “every night.”      The two young men:    “are you sure?”        Old man:     “dead sure.   You heard me right.”      The two young  men:   “That’s remarkable.    Well, how old are you, any way?”          Old man:   “22”.    

I have a friend who is married to a lady from a different country.    While watching a pro football game, ther be was a kickoff or punt return and the usual running, blocking and tackling.    His wife said “those guys are playing, but that guy there is sleeping”.    I’ve always loved that one.

HILARITY:   Soviet premier in the 1990s Gorbachev and his chauffeur were riding in the country. The chauffeur’s auto accidentally ran over a pig. Gorbachev went to the farmhouse to tell the farmer what had happened to his hog. Shortly thereafter, Gorbachev ran amongst a hail of brooms, garbage and screams by the farmer. Down the road, the same incident happened. Gorbachev went to the farmhouse. A minute later, Gorbachev ran back amongst another hail of garbage, nails and miscellaneous refuge back to his chauffeur!
Going down the road, the same incident happened again! This time, Gorbachev ordered his chauffeur to the farmhouse to tell the owner what had happened. A half hour went by.   The chauffeur came out with wreaths wrapped around him, caviar, piles of food and gifts.   Gorbachev said “look, what happened when you told him?”.       The chauffeur said “I told him”. Gorbachev: then why the celebration and delirious joy! WHAT did you say to him?!”. Chauffeur: “I told him. Gorbachev is in the car.    The pig is dead”.
THAT earned  Russian citizen who told that joke THREE YEARS in the gulag.

THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW:     S3/Ep28    Sitcom or episode entitled “The Rivals”.   Not a good title.   Apparently, the writer or director wanted to highlight that “Opie” was competing for Barney’s girl.   Does any one know what happened to Karen Burgess { Ronda Jeter } on the Andy Griffith show { frequently abbreviated as “tags” } in 1963?   She played on The Andy Griffith Show in 1963 { may be late in 1963 since “Ep” may stand for “episode” } and thereafter under a different name when she and Opie { Ronny Howard } were teens in shows from 1965 or ’66 through ’68, I believe.    She was approximately nine or ten years old in 1963.    Opie { Ronnie Howard } was nine or nearly nine, as he was born in 1954.    I messaged Ronnie Howard on fagbook facebook regarding the inability to find anything about Ronda Jeter, but still no reply as of yet.     This was on   Other children on the show   Many actors who played children are still around.  They include Keith Thibodeaux ( Johnny Paul Jason ), Sheldon Collins ( Arnold Bailey ), Dennis Rush ( Howie Pruitt ), Ronda Jeter  (  Karen Burgess ), David Bailey ( Trey Bowden ), John Reilly ( Billy ? ), Ronnie Dapo ( Arnold Winkler ) and Ronnie Howard’s real-life brother, Clint Howard, who played the peanut-butter-sandwich-chomping Leon { or was his name “Arnold”?   But the website does not say how they know Ronda Jeter is still around and where she is now.

On her first appearance ( or one of the first ),  in April, 1963, I believe, the show starred Opie {Ronnie Howard } and Opie had already really liked Karen Burgess { Ronda Jeter }, but Karen did not seem to return the favor.    Opie began talking with Karen saying “Hi Karen.”   Karen:  “hi.”   Karen kept walking.   Opie:  ” Did you get the note I sent you in class?”    Karen:   “Yes,  I got it.”  Karen kept walking and Opie kept hurrying to catch up.     Opie:  “Last week, Floyd gave me a haircut.   Floyd said I will shaving soon” (laughter from the audience).   Karen keeps walking.  Opie then asked Karen if she wanted to see a real live jail.   Karen said “okay”.    She met Sheriff Andy.    Opie showed Karen the jail where the sheriff “keeps desperate criminals “.  ( laughter from the audience ).    Then, Opie showed Karen “the guns that we use to hurt down desperate criminals”.   Opie then showed Karen where he takes out the trash ( more laughter from the audience).     Andy put his head into his hands.   Then Karen said she had to get to her singing lessons.    Andy:   “Well, Karen, come by any time.   Any friend of Opie’s is a friend of mine.”    Opie:   “May I carry your books?”    Karen Burgess:   “No, they’re not heavy.  Bye, bye.”    Opie looks longingly at Karen as she walks, presumably toward her parents house.

The next scene was at Andy’s house with Andy and Opie.   Opie said.   “Pa, when I’m with Karen, I get a lump in my throat, my knees knock and I shake all over.   Does that my I’m in love?”   Andy answers:   “Either that or you’ve got a bad case of the measles “.   ( Audience laughter )    Opie:  “Pa, how can I get Karen to like me?”    Andy:   “Appears she likes you fine.”    Opie:   “She won’t even let me carry her books.   How can I get Karen to like me?”    Andy:  “Well, you want to be really nice to her.   Then, it’s up to the love bug if he’s going to bite.    Opie:  “Pa, if Karen and I get married, she’ll be a Taylor, won’t she?”    Andy:   “Yeah, and your kids will be Taylor’s as well.”    Opie:   “I don’t think we’ll have kids.   We have a lot of kids to play with already.”   { Audience laughter }.    Andy:  “Well, of course, that’s all up to you.   Now you put those thoughts behind you for now.    About your bedtime, isn’t it?”    Opie:   “Yes, Pa.”   Opie walks to the steps that lead to bed.   He turns and says:   “She sure is pretty, isn’t she, Pa?”     Andy:   “She sure is.  Good night.”

Next scene:   At the sheriff’s office – courthouse – jail all in one room:   Barney plays a trick, then says:  “Hey, what’s the matter with Opie?”   Barney pretends that he can speak French.    Andy:  “Barn, the love bug’s bit Opie.”   Barney:   “Oh, got the amour de jour de jour, huh?   What’d you tell him?”    Andy:  “What could I tell him?   Told him to be nice to her.”     Barney:  “Oh, come on, Andy.  Nice guys finish last.    Then Barney get to talking about a girl he had a crush on when he was around Opie’s age.   “Old Vikky Harms.   Sure had a crush on her.”   Andy:   “Vikki Harms?   You had a crush on her, huh?”   Barney:   “Oh, it wasn’t so much that.   She thought she was hot stuff.   Wore long curls, print dresses, fancy collars.    She thought she was something because her father was a civil servant.”   { Audience laughter }   “You know what aggravated me the most about her?   Andy:    “What?”    Barney:   “I’d buy a grape snow cone, offered her a sip, and she’d bit the bottom off, sucked out the grape juice and left me with the ice!”  { Audience laughter }   Andy:   “She did!   Well, that’s terrible!”    Barney:   “You know what I’d do if I saw her now?    The minute she came to the door, I’d take the snow cone, bite of the bottom, suck out the grape and leave her the ice.   What do you think about that!”    Andy:   “Well, Barn, if a 35 year old man walked up with a snow cone, I wouldn’t bother answering the door!” { Loud audience laughter }    Barn:   “Oh, Andy, you know what I mean!”    Note:   Barney { Don Knotts } was actually 38 or 39 at the time this episode in 1963.

 Later, Thelma Lou { Betty Lynn- still alive;  turned 91 on August 29, 2017 } and Andy  { Andy Griffith played himself on The Andy Griffith Show }  were chatting and Opie was doing handstands and asked Karen “can you do that?”.      Karen said “yes, but I don’t think it would be very ladylike”, { Audience loud laughter }   and Karen walked on.    Thelma Lou had come out of the grocery store – the same store that said “10 LB bag potatoes  29 cents”   This program was made in 1963.    Andy told Thelma Lou:  “He sure is love sick”.   Andy said softly and with a little snickering laughter:   “yea, huh huh.”   Thelma Lou said to Opie:   “I need a strong man to carry my groceries from inside the store.”     Andy:   “Opie will do that.”   Opie heard even though he was looking at Karen.    Opie went to get Thel’s groceries without saying a word.   When Opie came out, Thel asked Opie if he would like to help her make some brownies.   Opie said”  “Sure.    I really like them with almonds,walnuts or even just plain.”    Barney ( Don Knotts ) got upset when Thelma Lou broke a “mini-date” to go Walker’s drug store to get a cup of coffee.   Thel said: “Oh, I’m sorry, Barney.   I’ve can’t right now.   I’ve got to make some brownies and Opie’s going to help me.”     Andy told Barn what had just happened.   So Thelma Lou and Opie began walking toward Thelma Lou’s place to make fudge brownies.    I think Thel was famous for making delicious fudge brownies.    Then the unexpected:   Karen was standing where Opie was when this particular show first came on the air.   She had a little bit of a longing look.     She played the part quite well.   The camera “closed in” on Karen and then closed in a little closer as Karen turned her head and you could see her hair well groomed and waving in the breeze.

Andy soon told Barney what was going on with Opie.    Barney told Andy to go give Opie advice.   Then, “and if you don’t, I will”.     Andy tried to explain to Barney about a nine year old.    Barney told Andy:   “and if you won’t, I will.   Andy, sarcastically:  “Well, what are going to tell him?”.    Barney:  “I’ll show him how to get his girl back.”

Opie was sitting at the motel steps where he waited for Karen to walk by.   Barney  { or “Barn”, as Andy would call him } sat down with “Op” – he and Andy called him “Op” frequently  –  “lost your girl, hmm.    Opie nodded his head yes.    Barney:  “This time, when she comes by, step RIGHT OUT and say ‘Well, here I am, you lucky girl, you!  Would you like to walk with me?'”   Barney:  “is she coming?”   Op:  “Yes”.   Barney:  “okay, do it.”    Opie said fairly closely what Barney told him to say.   “Sure!”   Barney went in to shock.   The girl was Thelma Lou!   Barney called her “Thel” sometimes.    ” Thel” said “would you like to come, Barney?”   Barney stood up and “no thank you!”   So Thel and Opie began walking to Thel’s place.    Barney was flustered. 

Later, Barney called Thelma Lou and Opie answered the phone..

Barney:   “Hi, Pussycat.”

Opie:   “Oh, hi Barney.”    { Audience laughter }

Barney:  “You still there, Opie!”  

Barney wanted to get “Thel” to go for a ride.  

Barney:   “Ask Thelma Lou if she wants to go riding tonight.”

Opie:   “Where do you want to ride with Thelma Lou?”

Barney:   “Ask her;  ask her!”

Opie turns from the telephone and says to Thelma Lou:   “He want to know if you want to go riding.”

Thelma Lou:   “That might be fun.   Where to?”

Opie:   “Where to, Barney?”

Barn:   ” Well, no where in particular.   Just around.”   

Opie:   “You mean around in circles?”.   { Audience laughter }

Barn:   “Oh, any where –  may be the duck pond.   

Opie:   “Why do you want to go to duck pond, Barney?    Can’t see the ducks at night.”    ( more audience laughter ).   Camera focuses on Thelma Lou as she smiled her pretty smile.

Barney:  “You shouldn’t  be doing this!   THIS is a person to person call!”

Opie to Thelma Lou:   “He really wants to talk to you”.

“Thel”:   “You’re doing fine, Opie.”

Barney told Opie to ask her again to come to the phone.    “Thel” teased, grining and said to Opie:    “Ask him again why he wants to go to the duck pond.”

Opie:   “Barney,  why do you want to go to the duck pond?”

Barney said “oh, never mind!”  and hung up the telephone.

Barney said to Andy:   “I never did get to talk to Thelma Lou.     Your boy shouldn’t be doing this.    This is a person to person call.  That boy’s a minor.    You  should teach your kid that he shouldn’t be talking on the telephone.”

Andy:   “Well, I wouldd”.

Barney:   “Why won’t ya?!”

Andy grinning:   “I may have a tough time explaining  why you want to go to the duck pond at night.”   { more audience laughter }

Next scene – near the motel:   Barney and Andy see Opie waiting for Karen.   Barney to Andy:   “That boy needs help, and, if you’re going to give it to him, I will.”   Andy, sarcastically:  “Well, what are going to tell him?”   Barney:  “I’m going to show him how to get his girl back!”    Andy walks off.

Barney walks up to Opie where Opie sits waiting for Karen.  Barney gives Opie some “love advice”.   Barn:   “Waiting for your girl?”   Opie nodded yes.   Barn:   “This time, when she comes, you step right out and say, ‘Well here I am, you lucky girl.  If you play your cards right, I’ll let you walk with me.’   You try that!”   Opie:   “Really?”   Barney:   “Do it”.    Opie said it in condensed phrases.     A woman’s voice:  “Well, all right.”    The woman was Thelma Lou!   “Oh, there you are, Barney.   Would you like to walk with us?”    Barn:  “Nooo, thank you.”  And Barney walks off.

After Thel walks off with Opie, Karen came and turned to look to see if Opie was sitting at the hotel.    Karen had long, beautiful hair and it flowed in the breeze.

Barney comes into the sheriff’s office where Andy is.

Barney:   “Andy, I want to talk to you.   You know I like Opie.    He’s obedient, well mannered, well brought up – he’s one of the nicest kids in town.”

Andy:   “I’m glad to hear that.”

Barney:   “But lately, he’s getting to be a pest!   I haven’t been able to get a date with Thelma Lou for days.”

Andy:   “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it, Barn”.

Barney:   “Now, I’m not kidding, Andy.”

Andy:    “Tomorrow’s Saturday, and Opie will be so busy running around, hoopin’ and hollerin’.     He will have forgotten all about girls and Thelma Lou and everything”.

Barney:   “Now, I’m not kidding.”

Andy:    “You see that?    You never should have taught him how to handle women.   He stole your girl right out from under ya.”     { loud laughter from the audience }  “Opie has to be in bed by 8:30.   But, up until then, that kid sure is dynamite.”   { audience laughter }


Andy:    “I’ll have to admit, that boy’s sure is dynamite up until dark!”   {  Loud audience laughter }

Opie walks in:   “Paw, you were right about getting over girls.  I’ve forgotten all about Karen now that Thelma Lou is my girl.”   Andy doesn’t correct him.

Andy:   “Thelma Lou’s your girl, huh?”

Opie:    “Yeah, Paw, and tomorrow’s Saturday.   I’ll be able to spend all day with Thelma Lou.”

Barney:    “I think I’ll go have a cup of coffee!”   And Barney walks out of the sheriff’s office.

Later, Andy talked Opie out of dating Thelma Lou subtly by explaining what grown up ladies like to do – shopping;   deciding whether you liked her in the blue dress with green stripes or the ladies cap brown with polka dots.    Andy sees Karen Burgess standing outside the sheriff’s office hoping that Opie { Ronnie Howard } would come outside:    “and then you go to see her mother”  { laughter from the audience }.   “And you stay there until, ohh, about dark – and it’s a real fun time.  It’s a real swell time;  no doubt about it.”     Karen had a longing look.   Then, Andy gently moved Opie to the outside as Karen was waiting to see if Opie would come out.   Opie went out and saw Karen.   “Oh, hi Karen.”

Karen:   “Hi, Opie.”  

Karen:   “You want to see the cowboy movie?”

Opie:   “Yeah, and then to Walker’s drug store to get a soda?

Karen, with her cute little girl smile: “sure”.

Opie:   “just a minute, Karen.”     Opie goes back in to the sheriff’s office and Andy sits quickly to hide the fact that he was looking out the window.

Opie:   “Paw, could you tell Thelma Lou that I won’t be able to go shopping with her?”

Andy:  “Oh?   Well, I don’t know.   But, as you say, Thelma Lou’s a grown-up.   I expect she’ll handle it okay.”

Opie;   “Thanks, Paw.”   And Opie rushes out of the sheriff’s office door.

Karen and Opie began walking and then Opie got on Karen’s right side and held her hand.    Since Karen was next to the street, Opie let go of Karen’s hand, whirled to Karen’s left hand side and held hands with her again as they were walking toward the direction of the motel and presumably to where the theater was.    { Audience laughter when Opie switched sides. }

After more commercials, the final segment:    Barney to Andy:  “I’m going to teach Thelma Lou a lesson”.    Andy:  “Barn, don’t do it”.    Timing a fake telephone call to when Thelma Lou would enter into the sheriff’s office-jail-courthous,  Barney went in to his act.    “Sally, thanks for calling.   No, I’m tied up.  Can’t see you tonight.”    Then the telephone rang!   { loud laughter from the audience }   Barney had his embarrassed, humiliated look.    Thelma Lou:   “I’m sorry, Barney, that you’ve got a date.   I was hoping we could go to the duck pond tonight”.   And then Thelma Lou walked out.   { Loud audience laughter }  Barney was humiliated.    And that was the end of the show.

So that’s the happy ending to the episode of nine-year-old Opie with his puppy love and a “date” with Karen, who was shown to be in the same class as the 1963 episode, “Andy Discovers America”.     It is always a happy ending when a boy meets a girl and the girl agrees to go out with him.    Romance never fails to fascinate.    I only saw a very few of the later,  “color” television episodes of Andy Griffith.     I saw on a couple websites that Ronda Jeter was dancing with Opie { Ronnie Howard }  and she used a different “show ” name.    Does any one know what happened to Ronda Jeter?

But if any one knows where Ronda Jeter is, no one is speaking.   And neither is Ronda, apparently.     My recollections do not always agree with a few of their recollections, but there are pics and they do have some good material up:

My answer to a guy on Instagram:   Hi:   Are you able to confirm that Ronda Jeter went to Thousand Oaks, CA, High School?   Was she born in 1953 or 1954?    Where was she living when she appeared on the Andy Griffith Show {TAGS } in April, 1963?   I am not positive about the date, and it is possible that the first show { in Miss Crump’s class } that she was in was PRIOR to “the rivals”.   She may have appeared in the show where Dick Van Dyke’s very clumsy brother was directing school children across the crosswalk.   Not sure if that was prior, either.   Thanks.

Andy:  Andy Samuel Griffith ( June 1, 1926 – July 3, 2012 )       Opie:   Ronald William “Ron” – Ronny in the introduction to every show – Howard { March 1, 1954  –  }       Karen Burgess:   Ronda Jeter ( 1954 ? – ? }    Peggy McMillan { Joanna Moore ? – 1997 }, Andy’s first girlfriend on the shows.   Helen Crump:   Aneta Corsaut  ( November 3, 1933 – November 6, 1995 }     Barney Fife:   Don Knotts  ( July 21, 1924 – February 24, 2006 )        Thelma Lou:   Elizabeth Ann Theresa “Betty” Lynn { August 29, 1926 –    )      Gomer Pyle:   James Thurston “Jim” Nabors  { June 12, 1930 – November 29, 2017 }.  Wally, owner of Wally’s filling station { Norman Leavitt ? – 2005 }     Aunt Bee:  Francis Elizabeth Bavier { December 14, 1902 – December 6. 1989 }        Floyd:  Howard McNear  { January 27, 1905 – January 3, 1969 }      Goober Pyle:  George Smith “Hal”Lindsey  { December 17, 1928 – May 6, 2012 }     Ellie Walker:   Elinor Donahue { April 19, 1937 –  }    Clara Edwards:   Sarah Hope Summers { June 7, 1896 – June 22, 1979 }   Otis Campbell ~ town drunk.   In real life, HAL SMITH never drank { August 24, 1916 – January 28, 1994 }   Leon:   Clint  Howard ~ younger brother of Ronny Howard { April 20, 1959 –   } . Howard Sprague { ? – 1994 }   { Jack Dodson } “Jud” Jubal Fletcher { Burt Mustin ? – 1977 } Rafe Hollister { Jack Prince ? – 1971 }.   First mayor in the series:  Mayor Pike { Dick Elliott – ? 1961 }.   The second “Mr. Mayor” of Mayberry, known as “Mayor Stoner”,  shown on the Andy Griffith show starting late in 1961, I believe, as Mayor Pike died some time in 1961:   Parley Baer.   He appeared also on “Ozzie and Harriet” in 1952.   { August 5, 1914- November 22, 2002 }


THE KING JAMES 1611 BIBLE HAS BEEN RIDICULED, ATTACKED, BURNED, HACKED, SLICED, BUT IT STANDS FOR EVER!!    PSALM 119:89, 119:42, 53, 160, and many more in PSALM 119 ALONE!!    GENESIS 40:8, PSALM 50:16-22, ROMANS 9:17, et cetera^.       And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.  And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue;  for I am tormented in this flame.   They have Moses, let them hear them.  Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father’s house;   for I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them lest they also come into this place of torment.”     ( Luke 16:23 – 31 )    In LUKE 16, the sodomite rich man { clothed in purple} cried for mercy, but he did not repent!   He begged for water, but he did not repent!

This man’s first cry was for himself, that he might find relief from the torment and agony he knew in Hell.  When he found this impossible, he immediately begged that a soul-winner would present the Gospel to his family so that they might be saved from the anguish that was his.   How many others in Hell might be pleading the self same request, if only we might hear them?

The last words we hear of Cain, the world’s first murderer, are:  “My punishment is greater than I can bear.”  I am sure that is the cry of many in Hell today.
Lord Byron, at 36 years of age, was facing death after a life without God.  He said, “My days are in the yellow leaf, the flower and fruit of life are gone; the worm, the canker, and the grief are mine alone.”
And I saw a great white throne, and Him that sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away; and there was found no place for them.   And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God;  and the books were opened:  and another book was opened, which is the book of life:  and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.   And the sea gave up the dead which were in it;  and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them:  and they were judged every man according to their works.  And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire.   This is the second death.  And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.  –  Revelation 20:11- 15

Accounts from History:

Caesar Borgia: “While I lived, I provided for everything but death;  now I must die, and am unprepared to die.”

A profligate woman who was obsessed with “having more fun than any one else”, on her deathbed, as her friends were gathered, said:  “Tell preacher …. to preach EVEN HARDER than he already has about the Realities of Hell.    I know it is True, and it is too late for me to get right!”. Then she passed in to a Christ-less eternity.

The notorious saladin, heathen “allah believing muslim { Psalm One, Two, 58:10, 62:3, Isaiah 8:20, John 3:18,36;  1John 2:21-23, 4:1-6;  Jeremiah 10:2,et cetera^ }   AND }  muslim general:   his dying words in 1193 A.D:   “My life is nothing but the tattered coat I wear!”

** charteres cried, “I would gladly give { 2000 pounds he actually said – Nextaxpro } one hundred and fifty thousand dollars to have it proved there is no hell!”

In great terror, **hobbs the infidel said, “I am taking a fearful leap into the dark.”

**altamont the infidel, cried out his last words: “My principles have poisoned my friend; my extravagance has beggared my boy;  my unkindness has murdered my wife.  And is there another hell?   Oh, thou blasphemed, yet most indulgent Lord God!  Hell is a refuge if it hides me from thy frown.” 

**Thomas Scott, president of the English lower house, died in 1594:   “Until this moment I thought there was neither a God nor a Hell.  Now I know and feel that there are both, and I am doomed to perdition by the just judgment of the Almighty.”     (Sir Thomas Scott)

A noted infidel by the name of **Adams cried out these last words, “I’m lost! Lost!  Lost!  I’m Damned!   Damned!   Damned forever!”   His agony was so terrible that he tore his hair from his head as he passed into eternity.  

**charles IX { papist } was responsible for ordering the great massacre that took place on St. Bartholomew’s Day.   { catholics murdering Protestant born again Christians.  – Nextaxpro }   On his own dying day, Charles cried, “What blood!  What murders!   I know not where I am.  How will all this end?  What shall I do?   I am lost forever…I know it!”

**robert ingersoll:  “O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!” (Some say it was this way: “Oh God, if there be a God, save my soul if I have a soul, from hell, if there be a hell!”

**david hume, atheist philosopher famous for his philosophy of empiricism and skepticism of religion:   { when death came, } he cried loud on his death bed “I am in flames!”  It is said his “desperation was a horrible scene”. 

**napoleon bonaparte, the French emperor, and who, like Adolf hitler, brought death to millions to satisfy his greedy, power-mad, selfish ambitions for world conquest:  “I die before my time, and my body will be given back to the earth.   Such is the fate of him who has been called the great napoleon.   What an abyss between my deep misery and the eternal kingdom of Christ!”

**brown – unsaved:  “Devils are in the room ready to drag my soul down to Hell.   It’s no use looking to Jesus now; it’s too late!”   Cried brown . 

The anguish of **volney, the atheist, was reported to be something awful to behold.   Nothing could calm him, but he repeatedly screamed out,  “My God! My God!”  { Exodus 20:7, Deuteronomy 5:11 – Nextaxpro } until he finally fell back dead.

When **Kay was dying, he cried “Hell! Hell!” with a soul-rending terror.  His family fled from the house until death had quieted him. **thomas paine was a noted infidel, brazen in his attacks on God and the Bible.  Yet when death came, his boldness was gone, and he pleaded, “Stay with me!   Stay with me for God’s sake!  { Exodus 20:7, Deuteronomy 5:11 – Nextaxpro }    I cannot bear to be alone!”

Begged **mirabeau.  “Give me more opium that I may not think of eternity!”     Evangelist, teacher, author and radio evangelist Oliver Green{e} once told of a man on his deathbed who suddenly began to scream in terror:  “Pull me up in the bed!   My feet are burning! I am sliding into Hell!”   

** david strauss, leading representative of German rationalism, after  spending a lifetime erasing belief in God from the minds of others:  “My philosophy leaves me utterly forlorn!  I feel like one caught in the merciless jaws of an automatic machine, not knowing at what time one of its great hammers may crush me!”

**voltaire , upon his deathbed, cried out, “Oh, Christ!  Oh, Jesus!   I must die abandoned by God and men.”   His condition was so frightening that his infidel associates were afraid to approach his bedside.   voltaire said to his doctor, “I am abandoned by God and man.   I will give you half of what I am worth, if you will give me six months of life.”  The doctor replied,  “Sir, you cannot even live six weeks.”     voltaire immediately answered, “Then I shall go to Hell, and you will go with me!”

“Devils are in the room ready to drag my soul down to Hell!  It’s no use looking to Jesus now;  it’s too late!”    ( **Brown)

** Francis Newport – unsaved infidel:  “What argument is there now to assist me against matters of fact?   Do I assert that there is no (H)hell while I feel one in my own bosom?   That there is a God I know, because I continually feel the effect of His (W)wrath.    That there is a (H)hell, I am equally certain, having received an earnest of my inheritance already in my own breast.   Oh!  That I was to lie a thousand years upon the fire that is never quenched to purchase the (F)favor of God, and be reunited to Him again!    But it is a fruitless wish.   Millions and millions of years will bring me no nearer to the end of my torments than one poor hour!    O Eternity!  Eternity!   Oh!   The insufferable pangs of (H)hell!    Oh Eternity!  Forever and forever!”    ( **Francis Newport )   [ youtube: ]

The sad reality is that every infidel whose last words can be found recorded expressed unimaginable grief and fear of death.     CONCLUSION:   We all have a DATE with DEATH!    There are many religionists and infidels breathing THE LORD’S AIR TODAY!!!    All of us are born on death row.   Most people are scared to death of dying.   They do not want to talk about it or be talked to about it.   Man has no way of knowing the date of his death.  Everybody knows their BIRTHDAY but nobody knows their DEATH DAY!     The Bible teaches us that death is an appointment (Hebrews 9:27).   Unlike all other appointments, death is one that cannot be rescheduled.  The Scriptures also teach us that death is NOT the end.    After death there will be a Judgment.   The saints of God will be clothed in The Righteousness of The Lord Jesus Christ.   The lost sinner will stand with his sins open before God and be sentenced to his eternal condemnation.

Examining the last words of saints and sinners causes me to say with The Scripture,  “Let me die the death of the righteous…”  (Numbers 23:10).   The child of God does not have to fear the day of death.  No Christian has ever been recorded recanting in torment in their dying hours.  Death is Certain.
Judgment is Sure.   { Hebrews 9:27, Revelation 20:10-15 – Nextaxpro }
Sin is the Cause.
Christ is the Cure!      *WHAT WILL YOUR LAST WORDS BE???

Caesar Borgia: “While I lived, I provided for everything but death; now I must die, and am unprepared to die.”

A profligate woman who was obsessed with “having more fun than any one else”,  on her deathbed, as her friends were gathered, said:   “Tell preacher …. to preach even harder than he already has about the Realities of Hell. I know it is True, and it is too late for me to get right!”.   Then she passed in to a Christ-less eternity.

**Gibbon, author of The Decline and Fall of the Roman empire.   He was an infidel, and his dying words are recorded on page 215 of this book:   **Dying Testimonies of Saved and unsaved    This may be the book that I Nextaxpro was referring to.   I have not seen this book since I was in school.     If so, the dying of testimony of Kay was that his family could not stand his groaning and left his bedroom until the groaning stopped.    Kay had passed in to eternity without The LORD JESUS CHRIST.   WHAT A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, IGNOMINIOUS, UNIMAGINABLY HORRIBLE FATE.

The noted French atheist, voltaire, died a frightening death on May 30, 1778.   Let me quote for you the exact record as published, “When voltaire felt the stroke that he realized must terminate in death, he was overpowered with remorse.   He at once sent for the priest, and wanted to be ‘reconciled with the church.’  {sic:  Nextaxpro }  His infidel flatterers hastened to his chamber to prevent his recantation;   but it was only to witness his ignominy and their own.    He cursed them to their faces;  and, as his distress was increased by their presence, he repeatedly and loudly exclaimed, ‘Begone!   It is you that have brought me to my present condition.  Leave me, I say;  begone!   What a wretched glory is this which you have produced to me!’

“Hoping to allay his anguish by a written recantation {  No hope in the pope;  no hope in the priest – Nextaxpro }, he had it prepared, signed it, and saw it witnessed.   But it was all unavailing.    For two months he was tortured with such an agony as led him at times to gnash his teeth in impotent rage against God and man.    At other times in plaintive accents, he would plead, ‘O, Christ! O, Lord Jesus!’   Then, turning his face, he would cry out, ‘I must die-abandoned of God and of men!’

“As his end drew near, his condition became so frightful that his infidel associates were afraid to approach his beside. {!!!! – Nextaxpro }   Still they guarded the door, that others might not know how awfully an infidel was compelled to die.   Even his nurse repeatedly said, ‘For all the wealth of Europe I would never see another infidel die.’    It was a scene of horror that lies beyond all exaggeration.   Such is the well-attested end of the one who had a natural sovereignty of intellect, excellent education, great wealth, and much earthly honor.”   

 Shortly after his death the very house in which he printed his foul literature became the depot of the Geneva Bible Society.     The nurse who attended voltaire said:   “For all the wealth in Europe I would not see another infidel die.”     The physician, Trochim, waiting up with voltaire at his death said that he cried out most desparately { SIC:  Nextaxpro }:   “I am abandoned by God and man!    I will give you half of what I am worth if you will give me six months’ { sic:  Nextaxpro } life.      Then I shall go to hell, and you will go with me.    O Christ!  O Jesus Christ!”

  **  Dying Testimonies of Saved and Unsaved by Rev. S B Shaw, pp. 49-50.)

Reading of such a dying experience is overwhelming, even to us who are secure in {S}salvation.    Human emotions are a powerful source and no one can live and die without them.   Our present generation has mainly escaped the horror of unpreparing { sic } for death by the use of drugs to kill all pain.  Sadly, the beauty of a Godly death is also lost in our drug culture.   The new “right” of the health world is the right to be free of pain.  In most cases, the pain or joy is simply transferred to the immediate moments after death.    We are spared both the joy and the screams.

THIS CAN BE YOUR DYING WORDS:   Our Bible teaches us the absolute beauty of a saint’s death,  “Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints”  (Psalm 116:15).    Isaiah spoke by prophecy of the triumph that Jesus Christ would accomplish over death,  “He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it”  (Isaiah 25:8).     Apostle Paul echoed this great prophecy, “O death, where is thy sting?  O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”   (I Corinthians 15:55-57).       

WHAT WILL YOUR LAST WORDS BE??? com/368 com/99

But HE  {GOD Almighty, the LORD JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF} was wounded for our transgressions;  HE was bruised for our iniquities.  The chastisement of our peace was upon HIM, and with HIS Stripes we are healed.   – Isaiah 53:5

But GOD Commendeth HIS Love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, CHRIST died for us.  Much more then, being now justified by HIS Blood, we shall be saved from Wrath through HIM.    Romans 5:8-9.

Repentance toward GOD, and faith toward our LORD JESUS CHRIST.    – Acts 20:21

Please study Isaiah 53, The Gospel of John, the Book of First John and the Book of Romans.

For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of, but the sorrow of the world worketh death.   – 2Corinthians 7:10.

I tell you Nay, but except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish  Luke 13:3, 5.
Verily, verily, I say unto thee:  he that heareth MY Word, and believeth on HIM that sent ME, hath everlasting life:  and shall not come into condemnation, but is passed from death unto life.  John 5:24.

For the wages of sin is death, but the Gift of GOD is eternal Life through JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD.   Romans 6:23


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